unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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