Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
