I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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