Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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