Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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