I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
