dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
