At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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