My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
