Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just pynch a tree in the face
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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