I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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