Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
