did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize