I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
