I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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