Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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