Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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