fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
