How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
