im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I want to fling myself into the sun
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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