wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
