My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
