I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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