I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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