Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
