But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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