i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So many bounce houses so little time
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
