she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
