but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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