im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
