i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
