well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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