Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
