I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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