Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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