i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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