Jerry, you need to find god
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
time to smoke my breakfast
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
