Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize