when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
