Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
