I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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