I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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