Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
