that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
