She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
