Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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