Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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