tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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