i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
