Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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