Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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