I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
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