Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
