Your face is a jimmy john
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
