Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
