My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize