I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
