I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize