I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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