you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
