Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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