see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize