So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
