I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
