I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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