You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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