Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
